We’re Just Friends

Posted on July 31, 2013. Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |

Dear Lora,

Would it be strange if I invited my girlfriend’s husband to be my ‘date’ to an upcoming formal event?  Both my husband and his wife will be out of town on work trips.  He and his wife are close friends of ours, they are new to the area and it could be a great way for him to meet more people.  I’d also have a dance partner. 

Dear Formally Introduced,

Simple answer:  No.

Minors don’t take coal to the coalmine and you shouldn’t take your friends husband to a formal.  Nothing good can come from it – NOTHING!

Although I’m positive your intentions are pure, the risk of what others might think, in a negative way, is just too high.  I know, I know, we’re not supposed to give a darn about what other people think, but let’s be honest, we do. 

No one likes going to any event alone, unless they are a pickpocket, and even then, they usually work in numbers.  I completely understand why this seems like a good idea, but you’ll have to trust me on this one, it’s not. 

Just for a second, let’s pretend you do take him, how do you introduce him?

“Hey, I’d like you to meet my good friends husband…no, she’s not here tonight, it’s just us…he hasn’t worn this tux since his wedding, so we thought, what the heck!”

Then comes the unavoidable follow-up question:

“Where’s Biff, your husband?  And Buffy, his wife?”

You answer:  “They’re both out of town.”

I’m getting geeked out just typing it.  Enough said.

Catch a ride with another couple and go solo.  You may not get to bust a move as much, but you also won’t have to dance around the uncomfortable question of whether you’re having an affair the next morning when texts start flying around town.  And trust me, they would.  No dirty dancing necessary, just a few no-goodnicks with dirty minds.

It’s better to cutback on the two-stepping, rather than risk a two-timing rumor. 




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Breaking The Bad Boy Bond

Posted on February 6, 2012. Filed under: Couples, Relationships | Tags: , , , , , |

Dear Lora,

I have a friend who keeps going back to the same guy who’s not good for her, he’s emotionally abusive and manipulative.  Every week she says they’re done, but ends up going right back to him by the weekend.  It’s hard because she turns to me to help pick up the pieces, only to start the cycle all over again.

Broken Record

Dear Broken Record,

I hear you loud and clear sister!  The problem is, your friend can’t, because she’s currently stuck in the muted and foggy stage.

She’s bonded with this despicable dude and unfortunately, it’s going to take more than a large can of Pledge to leave him in the dust.  She needs something stronger, like a gallon of Mr. Clean to get rid of the haze.

Most likely you’ve already told her the usual things we tell our pals in these tough moments, such as:  you’re a catch…he’s a loser to treat you that way…you deserve better!  The problem is, she can’t absorb any of that information because she’s already saturated with emotions for him.  That connection is overriding her common sense because she’s bonded with him.

Women tend to bond with one man at a time.  On the glue scale, we’re talking superglue, not Elmers.  It can’t be melted away with hot water, it needs full strength acetone nail polish remover!  Since she’s not ready to start the removal process herself, I’m going to hand you a bag of cotton balls and some tips on how to help.

Let’s begin with an old line from my mom, Norma Jean:  The best way to get over one man is to go on a date with another!   N.J. didn’t coin the phrase, but at age 81, she’s had decades of witnessing its effectiveness.

The reason this method works is because women (in general) are only able to bond to one man at a time.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t work the same for men, who can carry on relationships with several women at the same time with much more ease.  I’m not saying all men are able to do this, I’m just using a broad strokes to help paint this picture.

In order to break the bond with one man, she needs to truly understand there are others out there for her.  Some might say that she needs to work on herself first.  I don’t disagree with that, but I’m not sure there’s anything wrong with her, other than being stuck like cement to a man who’s making her life a mess!

Why are women programmed this way?  I’m guessing this bonding thing was set in our DNA back in the Stone Age, when it was necessary for a woman to wait in the cave for their mate to come home with food.  The option of gallivanting around all day may have meant their demise if faced with a T-Rex or other hazards.  Keep in mind, there wasn’t any place to really go, no malls, no Starbucks, no movie theatre.  It was all about surviving day-to-day.  The best way to ensure survival was to bond with a man and have a child, which ensured food and shelter.

On the other side of the rock, for the prehistoric male, spreading his seed to other women helped make sure his genes would survive to see another generation.

I know, that’s a pretty long-winded explanation for old N.J.’s simple statement – basically, the best thing you can do for your buddy is to help show her there are other fish in the sea.  Fish who will respect her and treat her the way she deserves.

It’s clear her broken record of “over him on Monday, but back in his arms by Friday” exhausts you, but she needs you now.  If you bail on her, chances are pretty high she’ll keep playing this song over and over with this guy.  In order to stop this instant replay you and her other friends need to rally around her.

The key is to stop the cycle.  Make plans for the weekend and occupy the time she would normally spend with him.  Set her up on a blind date, she doesn’t need to marry the guy, she just needs a change of scenery to understand the view she now has isn’t that great.  Help her upgrade her parking lot view to an ocean-front so she can release this bad catch back into the water — he’s not mature enough for her to keep.

If she’s not up for going on a date yet, plan a girls weekend and get out of town.  Or simply pick a new spot for dinner or different place to hangout this weekend.  Change the venue and you’ll change the menu all the way around.

Bottom line: she must break the bond in order to move on!

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